9/27/24 gonna start drawing again? (*LONG* life update, oversharing!!) (spacehey/newgrounds repost)

(divider by nicodefresas)

yo it's been some time since I've drawn anything, I quit because I didn't enjoy drawing anymore but tomorrow (more like later today... it's 3am) I'll get back to drawing, there's a pic of an idea of what I wanna draw!! I wanna go back to my old art style, I stopped using it because I felt it was too simple and I didn't see value in that but now I wanna enjoy drawing and just have fun! I don't wanna worry about making art complicated, after all I'm not doing this because I wanna live from it, it's just a hobby.

I want to draw more cute and happy things now too! expect cute and silly art!

I'm way more active here now but I never post bulletins because most of my friends are inactive... feel free to add me, especially if you're an artist as well! I'd love to make new friends! although I'm a little annoying I like reading about other ppl.

I'll try to post more often but I try to keep blogs exclusive for art and very long rambles. I'll start posting random stuff in bulletins now but I might not get much interaction for now.

after the next giant wall of text there's more info about the art update including a picture!

--LIFE UPDATE SECTION--

(it's ok to skip lol content warning for mental health topics)

(I just need a place to let it all out, this is my little virtual diary!!)

life has gotten a little tough, I'm facing some challenges but I don't have the privilege to be sad anymore. I am gonna get better in the most aggressive way possible and I think something that will help with that is picking up old hobbies again so I'll try my best to fall in love with art again, having something to express yourself is crucial in situations like this! I also want to learn to cook and I am now officially beginning learn to live in the real world after 5 years of being a shut-in. I need to learn everything about going outside because I was never independent. I go out a lot now, I'd say i go out in like 3 or 4 days of the week but never by myself, I have a few friends now and I live with more people so I have always someone beside me to guide me so I don't get lost.

I have a psychiatrist visit in a week, I think I need to discuss some things with him before I go ahead with a lot of this stuff... mostly I need something to keep me grounded because I still struggle focusing in anything rly and also I still have a lot of trouble telling what's real and what isn't, it's been getting extremely bad as I face more struggles and now I also have nightmares almost every night.

I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was super young and I was taking medication for it, Sometimes I think these symptoms may be related to ADHD and me quitting the medication but another part of me is well aware that it has to do more with severe escapism. This is ruining my life and I can't do most normal tasks anymore, people always ask me what I'm thinking about so intesely and why I am so "focused" on something when I am lost in my own thoughts, I often lose track of where I am or what I'm talking about or listening to, I am unable to do anything without thinking "what would my imaginary friend do?", everything I do, I imagine my brain friend with me (Some people have called it a tulpa?), sometimes I genuinely think he's real and I talk with all these people in my head for hours, I'd say most of the day even...

it's getting bad besides the hallucionations I've had before, but I must admit I am terrified of opening up to my psychiatrist about my recent delusions and hallucinations. he knows I've had them before because it's really hide for me to hide these symptoms when I'm manic, he told me it's common for bipolar people but I can help but feel insane, especially now that I've started talking to real people... people that seem so normal and can live normal lifes, I feel so out of place and weird. 

sometimes I wonder if the people I talk to online are real? there's so many bots out there... is a real person gonna read this someday? I want a part of me in the internet so there's proof I existed and that I survived and got through everything I faced, I am ok and building a life for myself with the help of my loved ones and I want the world to know that.

haha I feel like I'm gonna have a mental breakdown if I keep writing about this, I'm shaking!! I get so scared when I remember those hallucinations, I think this is it, I am going insane? anyways, I can't focus on that because I've been doing so well, I've been self harm free for around a month for the first time in like 2 years and I've been partying (drinking so much alcohol while in medication is a bad idea and skipping your medication to drink is a bad idea as well, I won't do it again after this) with family and friends for 18 de septiembre, I don't really know what it is tbh... I think it's chilean indepence day? I just like celebrating and eating yummy food!

I need to get blood tests soon, I hope they turn out alright O_O I might update you in bulletins about it.

so yeah, that has been my life lately, having fun with friends and family, I've been eating a lot of yummy food and I've been gaining weight but I don't want to worry about that anymore so idc lol I wish I had more people to talk to so I could hear about their lives, I love reading about other people and learning stupid shit about them! that's why I love reading blogs but I very rarely leave comments but I always lave 2 kudos! I don't like to talk about myself in conversations tho, I just like writing about it in blogs but in a conversation it feels too personal...

if you read THIS GIANT WALL OF TEXT... we're best friends now I think? now you know a lot about a stranger on the internet!

--END--

I am now on sheezyart , I post basically the same things as in newgrounds.

below is everything I wrote in this newgrounds post !!

so I'm thinking about drawing again, I've been only sketching random things and such but I have been completely out of ideas... I'm thinking about coming back with a simpler art style and to draw only for a hobby and for fun so I can regain my love for art again! before I completely stopped drawing, it kind of felt like a chore and it still kinda does but I'm hoping that art will feel nice and good to make again if I just push myself to draw simpler, sillier stuff you know? I might take 1 or 2 requests for simple drawings when I get everything figured out, the style I have in mind is kind of like my flash cs6 drawings like the ones below but with more shading maybe? idk if I'll keep using flash, we'll see...

9/30/2024 friends, connection and what is wrong with me. (long reflection/vent)

(divider by nicodefresas)

I always considered myself someone that enjoys being by themselves, I never connected with people at school and I don't even connect with most of my family. I did not have any friends for almost all of my teenage years, I don't know when being a teenager starts, but I stopped having friends at 16 and I did not have any interest in making new friends after that until a year ago when I reconnected with a childhood friend and it didn't work out. I guess I deserved it though, I don't know how to have friends, I don't know how to talk to people.

He always described me as "cold", I never wanted to be like that,growing up I was the warm girl who was always jumping and dancing, I was friends with everyone. I always considered myself as someone who is very bold and straight forward but something about being called cold and shortly after being cut off really hurt. I failed at being his friend.

I've been obsessed with changing myself since then. I'm more reserved and I'm not extremely open with my feelings and with what I think, I've learned that people don't like it when you're different and instead you're supposed to act a certain way, best way I saw it described is as everyone having a book of instructions in how to act in society but for some reason I never got it.

Still I have no idea how to connect with people, I have two friends who I love dearly now but we don't have anything in common, when I'm with them I feel out of place and I end up being awkward and quiet for too long. They don't seem to mind, but I'm personally not comfortable with that. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with myself, my body, my personality, my thoughts, my way of loving, I want to change it all.

Even when I try doing the same behaviors as others I fail at it, I can't talk, joke or act like them, I'm just a fucking weirdo that doesn't comprehend normal human connection and behavior or something.

Sometimes I really regret recovering from being a shut-in, I'm only doing it because I need to be a part of society and I can't be a loser neet forever... but people look at you wrong when you have no friends or life, they treat you with pity. people already treat me like a little kid because of my autism and my mental illness, nobody takes me seriously and now this? what even am I supposed to think, why would I want to have friends and family if everyone feels like a bother to me or I feel like everyone hates me and wants me to die already so I stop being in their way?

Most of my social life is online, I thought I had very few friends but ever since I came back to discord after some time I feel like I have way too many friends. I'm so overwhelmed, I feel stuck. you can't just get rid of friends like nothing, once you've met someone and talked to them for a while there's this unspoken rule of commitment to them and chronically online people in the internet take this to a whole new level.

you must talk to them quite often, you always have to reply to their texts when you're online, they'll tell you all these horrible things that have happened and you're expected to be there for them every single time even if it's something small and insignificant and they're making it a big deal when it isn't, but you have to tell them how bad you feel for them and comfort them like you're their mother or their psychologist.

instead of spending time with your family or going outside you have to always be online to be there for them or they'll hurt themselves because if you don't, they'll think you hate them and will try to make you feel bad for having a life instead of making your whole world about them, they'll send you internet drama you don't care about and you have to act angry because if you don't you're immoral and they can't be your friend anymore, they'll drop you over a small disagreement and tell everyone you're a piece of shit, you have to block random people indirectly involving you in their stupid drama you don't know just because they don't like them and if you don't they'll feel betrayed, if you don't know how to reply and you come across as cold or uninterested they'll get upset and throw a temper tantrum saying how much you supposedly hate them, demanding you to comfort them and baby them, They'll make you lose all your self-respect and do everything they want in order to maintain a friendship that in the end means nothing and was completely soulless.

most of this applies more to my experience with people I met online who are extremely obsessed with the internet, it doesn't seem to be as hard to like someone and maintain that friendship now that I've made friends in real life.

But in the end I just want to be alone, I don't care if nobody shows up to my funeral when I die, If I disappear completely from this world and I'm forgotten I'd still die happy.

I feel like such a horrible, disgusting person for "hating" people, I've never been in love and all my friendships feel like they either talk to me out of a need to depend on someone emotionally or out of pity. I can't connect with people, that is clear now, so what am I supposed to do now? I'm expected to have friends, I want to be normal, I want to finish my education and get a job and live in a small apartment with a cat (and I feel like I should live with a partner that I love, but honestly, very deeply in my heart I know I don't want that because I'll never reach a point where I'm good enough to be loved by someone who will love me in a devoted, monogamous way like I want to love someone because this kind of love is usually just a fantasy and almost unheard of now, when it was popular it was usually a bunch of lies and codependency or they simply had no option because of societal pressure.)

I don't even have any anxiety anymore, well, not any SOCIAL anxiety so I have no issues talking to people, I can hold casual conversations. yes... I wish everything was just casual and short, I feel like that's as long as people can tolerate me or get along with me without them becoming dependent or obsessive. it seems like those are the only extremes for almost all of my long-term friendships now for the exception of 1 person.

I feel like I'm doomed and the only problem holding me back is myself, but I can't stop myself from ruining my own life because I am me, and I am inherently "broken" because of myself? I have such a strong desire to change but I also know I can't do it, everyone says you're supposed to learn to love yourself but I can't, I feel like if I love myself that'd be the last nail in the coffin and I'd just be comfortable being such a horrible worthless person, but my mental illness is genetic, it's in my hardwiring and I can't change that. I was born as a self-destructive person and maybe my future is already written, maybe I'm supposed to torture myself my whole life, kill myself slowly and die young.

maybe I should just cut everyone off and have my only form of socialization be through blogs and forums like this where you can still tell people how you feel, write any thought out into the universe and sometimes someone will do the same. I like hearing about people lives which is why I read so many blogs in here, newgrounds and neocities. it doesn't come with the commitment of a friendship where you're supposed to give up everything and become someone else for a friendship that won't last.

If I'm a horrible person I want people to tell me. If I do something wrong I want people to tell me. that's the only way I'll know how to change.

I don't know why I'm writing this here, I guess I just can't get it off my head... I'm making a website to put all these thoughts in it but man, it's taking a while to finish...

last thing, I've been looking into schizoid personality disorder and I relate to it a lot but I feel like since I put such an outgoing personality on all the time I doubt my psychiatrist will take me seriously if I bring it up. for a long time I thought I had some form of antisocial personality disorder or something in the cluster b side of things, I was diagnosed with a personality disorder for a long time (I never got told which one as I don't have access to my medical records, that psychiatrist only told my mom everything I was diagnosed with and only let her handle my medication. but by the symptoms that were described with it I'm sure it was BPD.) but now that I've done more research I don't think I have it, I don't want to think I do. If I did , it'd be such an easy excuse to not change, I'd just say "I'm this way because of this personality disorder I have" that I see so many people use to not change and enable their toxic behavior and I know myself, I know I would do this.

man, I really hate myself, But I don't want to die. I just wish I could disappear forever and have no contact with anyone, I don't want to hurt people by failing to be a good friend or by just... existing tbh.

I'm sure this is just the average depression experience and I'm being dramatic and pathetic again haha.

ah, that was a long vent, I'm not reading it again because I'll just hate myself more. I just hope there's a few people out there who are like me and can relate.